Last year October 6, 2010 marked the 12-year anniversary of the tragic and far too premature passing of two wonderful people- Kayci McCurry Armstrong and Nick Ferrer. The two were on thier way to school on a Tuesday morning when they collided with another vehicle, and Nick and Kayci did not survive. Kayci was my best friend. My kindred spirit. We called each other sisters. I adored her parents and was invited into her family. Her sister Ashley, only a year older then us, and I were close. She was my "peach," I was her "plum".
Losing Kayci was a pain I will never forget. It is strange to think back to that day, and the days that followed. The pieces I remember, the things I am told happened but cannot place into my own memory. But what I remember the most about the weeks and months surrounding that tragic day were the members of Kayci's family. Her parents, Debbie and Bob, were always an inspiration to me. They called me thier extra daughter, and I always felt like I was part of the family. Her aunts and uncles and cousins all became well known to me. For years, Kayci had told me stories about all of them, and unfortounately that was the time I met them...all of them. They were amazing and wonderful. They were a big family with big voices and genuine laughter and a lot of love. They always welcomed me as one of thier own. A few years back Bob and Debbie moved to Carson City. They often invited me to visit and I always wanted to go, but it never seemed to happen.
I would see them occasionally. They were there for my law school graduation. (The following are some not-so-great-quality scans)
[Debbie and Bob with grand-daughter Ilura and daughter Ashley]
[Bob and Debbie with grand-daughter Ilura, ]
When I lived in Newport, Bob came out one day to visit me and we went to dinner in Depoe Bay. I remember it was extrememly foggy and I remember we talked the whole way. It almost seems like a dream when I think back on that now.
I of course saw them at Ashley's wedding November 2006.
It was so great to see him and Ashley on her special day
[Ashley and Bob, November 2006]
[Bob and me, November 2006]
I have to admit we weren't super great about staying in really regular contact. But we always loved to hear from each other- life just always seemed to take over. We sent Christmas cards. Ashley and I were almost as bad at keeping in touch, although with the advent of myspace and facebook we got better over the years. But at least one time a year we always talked. We always talked on Kayci's anniversary. We had relied on each other then, and each year that was something that was important to us.
Last October 5, sometime in the evening, my cell phone rang- and I saw that it was Ashley. I thought she was calling me a day early. Each year as the anniverary approaches I always start thinking abotu things a few days prior. And I thought nothing of it as I saw Ashley's name on my caller ID. She was calling from Carson City- which seemed a little odd to me as I thought she had just started a new job. She was calling because Bob was in the hospital. On the eve of the 12-year anniversary. Maybe a coincidence, maybe a sign that Kayci was calling her dad to her.
On October 2, 2010 Bob was admitted to the ER because he thought he "might have had a stroke." His blood pressure was dangerously high and he was found to have a number of lesions on his brain. On October 6, he underwent some additional tests to try to determine the origin of those lesions. The preliminary tests revealed cancer. The official diagnosis was given a few days later: inoperable grade IV multifocal glioblastoma multiforme. I've learned that glioblastoma multiforme (GBM) is the most common and most aggressive of the primary brain tumors. GBMs are highly malignant, infiltrate the brain extensively, and at times may become enormous before turning symptomatic. And that appeared to be the case with Bob.
They decided to move back to Portland to be closer to more family, and he decided to undergo radiation treatment once here. The radiation treatment caused quite a bit of swelling in his brain. He was still his amazing self and spent a lot of time with family and friends. In December the scans showed that the tumors had shrunk some in size, however the tests also revealed that the conditions were such that the radiation could not be at its most efficient- giving him a maximum life expectancy of 12-14 months. Interestly, once in Oregon, the doctors said that he had 2 tumors- one "shaped like a buttefly." Perhaps insignificant to most- but Kayci signed her name with a butterfly, they were her thing. Can't help but wonder if its a way to let the rest of us know that she is watching, and that Bob will be taken care of. He and Debbie planned a trip to mexico early in the new year, a place where they often vacationed and had many friends.
I went to visit them in December. It was so good to seem them- but yet hard to see what life had dealt. They talked about possible plans, they talked abut Mexico, and South America. They talked about places to go, and things they wanted to do. Bob talked about his awesome "little" brother in the Big Brother/ Big Sister program, Eddie. He told me about how Eddie wanted to be a firefighter, just like Bob was. And Bob looked to Debbie tearfully asked Debbie to give Eddie one of his old helmets. We talked about the past and we talked about the future. And we talked about the possibility of miracles.
At the beginning of January, things had taken a turn for the worse. Bob was not feeling well enough to travel to mexico and the trip had to be cancelled. The prognosis was not getting any better, and the oncologist now said he had about 6 months left, and the quality of life would continue to decline. It was harder for him to stay awake, harder for him to focus. He decided to discontinue treatment and was enrolled in hospice care. It would not be long before he would be reunited with Kayci, and a number of others that had passed before him.
I spent Friday and Saturday in Portland with Bob, Debbie, and family. I got to spend some time on Saturday with Ashley and her family.
[Ilura and Pumba were instantly friends]
It was good to hug him. To hold his hand. To tell him I love him.
I told him I'd be back next Friday and would stay again through Saturday. As I left I knew that it could be the last time I would see him. We had pizza for dinner and Debbie and I talked while Bob rested. At some point he came into the kitchen and had a piece of pizza. I smile as I think of how she asked Bob "whatcha eating?" in the kitchen and he responded with a smile "Nothing, and it's not pizza." To which she responded, "they are not socks, and they aren't purple." And both of them laughed. Debbie then todl a story about how Bob had taken Kayci to buy a Christmas gift for Debbie years ago, and she had selected some purple socks. Kayci had it lovingly wrapped and under the tree when she told her mom that "This is for you...but I'm not going to tell you what it is...and they're not socks, and they aren't purple." On Saturday evening the two of them laughed and remembered. The love in the room was ever so strong. After stealing a few kisses from Debbie, Bob headed back to bed. She was handling all this was such strength and such grace.
He was asleep as I left late on Saturday night after Debbie and I sat up and talked. I thought about asking if I could go in and hug him goodbye...and I didn't because I didn't want to disturb him. I hoped I would see him again next weekend...but I knew the possibility of no further goodbye was very real.
I spent much of yesterday wondering what I would do if I had a week to live. What would I do? Who would I spend it with? How would I live? What if there was the possibility that it could end sooner? How would I change my approach to everything? And as I lay in bed last night thinking these same thoughts, my phone rang. It was Ashley. It could only mean one thing. He passed away at 10:13 last night, in his sleep. He was holding on to Debbie, and surrounded by his children and his grandchildren, and his family. He was free.
I drove back up to Portland this morning. A year ago today, I was also making the drive up I-5 for a very different reason. I spent the day with Debbie, Ashley, and the rest of the family. There was an immense amount of saddness, but also relief that Bob didn't have to suffer any longer. He went peacefully, he went surrounded by love.
Bob, you will be missed like crazy. You are a hero in the truest sense. I know that you will be looking out for your family left behind, and I am honored to be a part of that. It's pretty amazing to think the army of guardian angels that are up there. You are a wonderful man, and have lived this life with courage and strength. Your battle over the last few months and the way you handled everything surrounding it is an inspiration. I can only hope that I could handle life with the same grace and courage that you have. I love you. Give my love to Kayci...I know she has been waiting for you. I know that you two are having an amazing time together...know that you are both very missed down here. But there is solice in knowing that you are together again.
